So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
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He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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