Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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