a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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