We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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