this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im six kinds of drunk right now
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I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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