Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize