if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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