I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And then he peed in my hair
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