If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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