Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
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She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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