Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
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He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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