Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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