i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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