literally had 100 drinks last night.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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