what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
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Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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