So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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