are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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