I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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