if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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