people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize