is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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