he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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