There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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