as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
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I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would ride that face into the sunset
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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