Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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