Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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