Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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