I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
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I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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