maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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