i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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