Your mouth is God's brothel.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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