i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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