The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize