The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
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Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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