The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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