Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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