I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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