I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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