I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
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Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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