i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize