im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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