anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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