Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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