I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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