just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize