I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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