I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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