It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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