Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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