I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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